Evening Conversation Series; An Interview with my lover.

Do you love her?
I need my lawyer [both laughs]
[long pause] yes, very much.
What do you think about you loving her?
I think it’s a great feeling.  It’s surprising.
Choose three things that you love the most about her
Her sensuality about everything in life, her smartness, her undeniable wittiness.
What is your best memory of her?
The first day I met her. [Interviewer] That’s the best memory of her? yes it was nice, it’s a very warm memory. It’s something I remember always , when I saw her for the first time. And how much she could eat [ both laughs ]
How did you fall in love with her?
I think she’s very different in how she sees life, and I like that, especially related to her relationships with people and how she sees them and understands them, how strange they are , it’s different. I loved that. And also she is very easy going when she’s good, not so much now, because she has gotten alot more difficult but she can be good and kind and when she loves sweetly, it’s hard not to love her.
How does she hurt you?
When she is particularly difficult when I’m under pressure and she’s only thinking about herself  [ long pause] because she needs me.
How do you hurt her?
By not being available for her.
Choose three things ugly about her
She is too stubborn in emotions, non diplomatic , she needs to always understand everything , she cannot let go. [Interviewer]And that’s bad? When you don’t know when to stop, yes. So for example, she goes “but why, why is that , but why” to everything and endlessly.
Have you had moments where you hated her?
No, never.
Is she the love of your life or your soul mate?
Neither, I don’t have a love of my life or a soul mate. If she was the love of my life, I would marry her and live on an island but I cannot.[The interviewer disagrees with the definition of the love of life and decides to discuss it later ] I love her deeply and it’s very very special but  [ Later adds] age gives you a very different perspective on life. So no, she isn’t either but there is no one else and there will be not and that says alot about how special she is for me.
What’s the wildest thing you’ve done for her?
Travelling for her, going through alot to spend little time together. I haven’t ever done this before for anyone.
What’s the wildest thing she has done for you?
[The Interviewer decides not to share the answer ]
When is she the easiest to love?
In intimate moments like these, when she is relaxed and calm.
When is she  the hardest to love?
When I’m not with her and she starts to need attention and is very difficult and demanding.
Does she love you?
Yes, I think she does.
-Evening Conversation Series; An Interview with my lover.


My mother sometimes forget
to pray good for me
and those are the nights
I let him hurt me and
I worship him. His heart
is my home
and he denies me of it.
My mother turns in her sleep
for the blasphemy.

-Blasphemy by Thamanna Razak

summer dawn of lemon zests



The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.
— Rumi (trans. by Coleman Barks)

In the balm of; Madiha Shams Khan

Madiha, “Maddie” as we all call her is a woman of many arts. I have admired her from the day I’ve known her. First as a shy, quiet girl  who spoke softly and laughed openly, then as a good friend and then a greater friend, we have spend such less time but grew so intimate kind of friend. But more than any of it, I have admired her resilience, her patience with people who wrong her every day. I have thought of her as weak, as someone who needed protection, often feeling protective of her. But I have learned people fight differently, sometimes quietly and that is their fight.
I have often marveled at her beauty, how she speaks kindly and gracefully of her father who has hurt her. How she handles heartbreak, also how betrayed she feels by men. How just like me, she is a woman who flourishes in her loneliness.
I have been stepping back from all the women I look up to, who are far ahead of me and have been looking at women around me, their strengths and weaknesses. I want to tell their stories, the women next to me, the women I spend time with, the women who call me to make sure I’m okay, the women who send me funny things on whatsapp when I’m going through a heartbreak and the women who knows the real depth of me.
So this is only a part of her story I’m honoured to tell.

In the balm of; Madiha Shams Khan