Nostalgia for the light

It’s 4:38 am and I’m sitting on the stairs to my hostel room. The darkness is unkind and the cold is seeping and I can feel both my body and soul freezing. I’m thinking of the glow of a burning cigarette that was once too big to be held in my hands, I’m thinking of my father’s brother who lost his life to that glow that turn everything to ashes. I’m remembering the water in my mouth, I’m remembering the left over of samosas my mother had made I’m remembering the orange light upon the revolving plate and I’m remembering my eyes ticking the numbers down on the microwave and I’m remembering what home tasted like. My parents never turned their bed lamp off at night , until I was ten because I was convinced if I look away from the light of my parents moving and existing across the hall , they’d have me, the monsters and I’m remembering how for a long time, that warm light that crept through their door helped me sleep in the darkness . I close my eyes and I’m seeing the changing lights of our television under my eyelids, I’m seeing my father, my sister on his chest and I’m feeling my mother’s leg intertwined with mine and I’m tasting popcorn and butter and salt . My father is driving and the streetlights are playing hide and seek and I’m remembering my father asking if the kids slept I’m remembering him taking a peek at the back and I’m pretending sleeping beauty I’m remembering him smile and his eyes melting like butter in that moving light I’m remembering my father as a happy man. I’m smiling at the memory of 2000 ft above ground and marveling at the city I love, glittering like gold. I’m remembering flickering lights, I’m remembering nights with too much colour and not too much of clarity. I’m remembering the music that won’t stop and the hope that won’t return. I’m remembering mistakes and I’m remembering tears and I’m remembering ache but I’m remembering a phone that flashed a message that read “are you okay?”.I’m thinking of the depth of the moonlight. I’m thinking of stars and the universe and everything that shines out of darkness. I’m remembering a boy and his love and the light in his heart and I’m remembering everything out of reach and unfathomable. I’m remembering warm evenings and hushed whispers , tip toeing feet and beautiful sunsets. It’s 5:00 am . It’s another sunrise and sunlight feels too much like yearning for the light that can be only seen in the darkness.

 

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