make sense of this for me babygirl

I don’t remember how long it’s been since I wrote, mostly because it’s been so chaotic behind my eyelids. It takes hours after waking for my thoughts to stop revolving. So this post would take some serious understanding and love from your part.
It had been a long summer night, the sky was almost the colour you want your favourite nights to be, but it was one of those nights that even without stars, there was no darkness. The sky would turn into the darkest of blue but you could sense it, you could almost feel the light of something bigger out there behind the screen of the vast night sky, almost hiding, almost greedy, almost selfish. And it was in those moments , my heart remembered the most, a sudden slip of time, a skip of beat and the old rugged truth of human pain unwraps almost like an old wound. It had been like waking up from your falling dream, whimpering , suddenly feeling like gravity forgot to hold you. These are my most nights, waiting for the answers , wondering what the questions are, feeling like I’m lost under centuries of sadness. How many cigarettes until I find the beginning of this, how many lives. When it’s almost dawn I wonder if I’d been wrong about the world, has the sky been lying , had the truth been here all along. Maybe we’re watching a sun that died ancient years ago but it took the rays so long to reach the earth but we refuse the truth they brought, the remnants of a dead sun. We’re all aimlessly stuck in the light of long ago, happy to believe we’re present and living and loving in our times. Our love unfulfilled and our lives light years distant from our souls. Could it be the reason to all our aching? ”Be alive!” , they said. ”You’re so young” , they tell you. But are we really?
It’s always a warm afternoon, I come back from my campus  in a bus full of people, some my friends and some I know names of. Every day, the commute would have me thinking of soft and lovely things, the mountain road, and endless sight of blue hills running along the edge of an orange sky. The distance blur and humble the sight, so that the whole valley look like a piece of sun itself. As the bus turns a curve and emerge from the thickness of the foliage, the orange sunlight filters through the window and fills the space with so much soft and warmth. There’s a moment though, a moment of a stillness, so quiet, so timeless and void, that it has every single person  look out the window in awe, maybe wondering about a lost memory , maybe aching for something they don’t remember, maybe just enjoying the warmth of the sunlight on their skin. But I know for a thing that these moments are rare and unapologetically human. That in these moments there is nothing that isn’t real or raw. That it’s all been forgiven, your fears, your doubts, your dark and the sins. It might not be the answer but I feel an unbelievable sense of life, that time is moving and kind, it’s ours. And the ”alive” our generation has been waiting for might be around the corner.-journal; Cant Make Sense Of This by Thamanna Razak

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