I Never Shut The Door Behind & My Father is Upset

I keep making mistakes.

I keep finding men like my father to love

and then to unlove

and then tiptoe my way out
of homes I built out of their bodies
of framed pictures of them sleeping
of an afternoon when they would
point and tell me
“there, that bathroom floor,

 there, the space behind the door,

 there, this entire room with broken glass

 stay, look at all the space I made for you,

 all the love I have for you”

And I would stand there measuring the distance

between my feet and the door

But I don’t get it right, I never get it right

I was five when he said ‘to the moon and back ,love’,

since then it doesn’t add up

how does then love feel so small

inside my heart, every heart beat echoes

the buzzing that comes with emptiness

my soul confuses it with butterflies

I lose my math, my concept of light years

I would stand there measuring the distance

between my feet and the door

measuring the distance between

what’s real, and what’s not

and I don’t understand

who the fuck are we

to measure love in distance

who the fuck are we

never teaching our children

to walk over to the door

to leave

to shut the door behind.

Thamanna Razak , I Never Shut The Door Behind & My Father is Upset

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